I am mad. I fell asleep in the living room at 9, woke at 10, put the baby in his bed and was then wide awake.
I went on Twitter for a bit, hung out with some other PPD fighters till midnight. I popped a Xanax to calm my anxiety and went to bed.
What do you know? Xanax wears off about four hours later and guess who is awake? That'd be me. I am in bed, writing this on my phone. Damn tiny ass keyboard!!
I went to Dr. Psyche last week to talk Abilify. It was working great but I was constantly having to keep my mind stimulated resulting in triple multitasking. I wasn't even tired on 3 hours of sleep. Fuckin' super power shit....
So he cut my dose a smidge and suggested I take the Abilify in the morning rather then at night. That night, I slept great. Now? SSDD. Except I am in a bad mood now. Not all glittery sunshine like before.
I am not depressed at the moment, always subject to change. My feelings have shifted from craving my baby like a crazed lunatic to only slightly looking forward to seeing him. His needs upset me because it triggers whining and crying, and noise? Cuts me like a knife through butter.
What changed? My dose, but the old dose had me wired and my blood pressure was elevated and the anxiety was high because of the restlessness. Did switching the time I took the meds fuck me over sideways or was it the dose decrease? We are talking a 1/2 a millogram.
I also got my thyroid retested, TSH went a point higher instead of lower. So my Synthroid was increased and I test again in 6 weeks.
I am so tired of PPD running my life. It has the remote control and is fucking with my channels when the program is just getting good.....
Thursday 18 December 2014
Based on a True Story
The woman woke from a restless night and was worn-out from all the side effects her medications were causing. She contacted her psychiatrist that morning. The receptionist told her he was out of town.
She requested, "Can I leave a message for someone to call me back?"
Her message was noted.
Four hours passed. She began to wonder why no one returned her call. She nervously picked up the phone and called again. She was patched through to the nurse immediately who claimed to never have gotten the message. Her fury escalated.
The side effects were explained to the nurse who calmed her and within minutes, the psychiatrist on call, called her back.
"You need to wait until Dr. Psych returns next week to adjust your medications," she stated.
She went on to suggest taking two of five of the medications in the morning rather than at night. Didn't she hear the girl when she said she had tried that and instant depression ensued? Was this fill-in doctor already on holiday and not listening?
Later that same day, she searched for local facilities to contact for advice. One local facility, at the hospital, was listed. The woman called for information.
"We're an in treatment facility. We have no out patient resources," the receptionist stated.
"I'm just looking for someone to adjust my meds. My psych is on vacation and the psych on call won't help me in the way I need," she replied.
"Go to the ER. Tell them you're there for a psych evaluation and you'll see a psychiatrist who can help," she suggested.
The woman took this advice after speaking with her husband.
Once in the ER, an announcement was made that there were multiple traumas and everyone waiting would have to wait longer. Her name was called shortly after. Finally some progress!
She was escorted through several locked doors by a security guard. During the long haul, the woman anxiously asked, "Does everyone get door to door treatment?" He wasn't amused.
Finally, they reached the double doors to where the sign read "Psych Ward". The girl assumed the psychiatrist would be behind those doors in a plush office waiting to speak with her. Wrong.
Through the double doors she was guided to a nurse who promptly asked, "Do you have anything in your pockets?"
"A barrette," the girl shakily replied.
She was instructed to hand it over along with her purse. The woman was escorted to a room where she was told it would be thirty minutes before anyone stopped in.
The room appeared to be cement from floor to ceiling. It was painted in a taupe color. The bed was a platform style bed, bolted to the floor. Only a fitted sheet covered the bed and the pillow. Did the ward assume someone would go suicidal using the pillow and that's why it too was bound down?
Alone with her racing thoughts, sounds of screaming drowned the halls. People shrieking, "Help me" and "Leave me alone" took her thoughts to a new level of dread.
"I don't belong here," she whispered to the camera above the bed. With courage, she reached out to push on the wall, which wasn't cement after all. It was rubber. She blinked away the tears, which then turned to a full on break down.
Within that half hour window, a nurse arrived to take her vital signs and ask a few questions. This part was rushed and straight faced. Before the nurse exited, the woman asked to use the restroom.
Upon entry to the restroom, she was given a cup to deposit her specimen into. The toilet was metal and cold, like that which you would find in a prison. She finished as quickly as possible and returned to the bolted down bed in that vile room.
Two hours after entering the ER, that same nurse returned to the room. She was whispering and ducking under the window telling the woman she didn't think she belonged here either. She pulled some strings and within moments, a physician's assistant made her way into the rubber room and asked a series of questions.
"Are you suicidal? Are you homicidal? Do you want to harm your children or husband?"
"Of course not," she desperately responded, tears continuously running down her face.
"Get the release paperwork," the P.A. ordered the nurse.
The woman signed a release stating she wouldn't commit suicide after leaving the facility. It was overwhelming that this sheet of paper was now part of her permanent hospital record.
It was a long drive home that night.
She and her husband discussed the horrifying events and put together a plan to get in touch with the woman's general practitioner the following day. It was time for someone new to step in and confirm that yes, she was in fact being over medicated.
The night passed into a new day. Waiting, waiting, waiting for the G.P. to call back. The woman always plays the waiting game.
The woman, is me....
She requested, "Can I leave a message for someone to call me back?"
Her message was noted.
Four hours passed. She began to wonder why no one returned her call. She nervously picked up the phone and called again. She was patched through to the nurse immediately who claimed to never have gotten the message. Her fury escalated.
The side effects were explained to the nurse who calmed her and within minutes, the psychiatrist on call, called her back.
"You need to wait until Dr. Psych returns next week to adjust your medications," she stated.
She went on to suggest taking two of five of the medications in the morning rather than at night. Didn't she hear the girl when she said she had tried that and instant depression ensued? Was this fill-in doctor already on holiday and not listening?
Later that same day, she searched for local facilities to contact for advice. One local facility, at the hospital, was listed. The woman called for information.
"We're an in treatment facility. We have no out patient resources," the receptionist stated.
"I'm just looking for someone to adjust my meds. My psych is on vacation and the psych on call won't help me in the way I need," she replied.
"Go to the ER. Tell them you're there for a psych evaluation and you'll see a psychiatrist who can help," she suggested.
The woman took this advice after speaking with her husband.
Once in the ER, an announcement was made that there were multiple traumas and everyone waiting would have to wait longer. Her name was called shortly after. Finally some progress!
She was escorted through several locked doors by a security guard. During the long haul, the woman anxiously asked, "Does everyone get door to door treatment?" He wasn't amused.
Finally, they reached the double doors to where the sign read "Psych Ward". The girl assumed the psychiatrist would be behind those doors in a plush office waiting to speak with her. Wrong.
Through the double doors she was guided to a nurse who promptly asked, "Do you have anything in your pockets?"
"A barrette," the girl shakily replied.
She was instructed to hand it over along with her purse. The woman was escorted to a room where she was told it would be thirty minutes before anyone stopped in.
The room appeared to be cement from floor to ceiling. It was painted in a taupe color. The bed was a platform style bed, bolted to the floor. Only a fitted sheet covered the bed and the pillow. Did the ward assume someone would go suicidal using the pillow and that's why it too was bound down?
Alone with her racing thoughts, sounds of screaming drowned the halls. People shrieking, "Help me" and "Leave me alone" took her thoughts to a new level of dread.
"I don't belong here," she whispered to the camera above the bed. With courage, she reached out to push on the wall, which wasn't cement after all. It was rubber. She blinked away the tears, which then turned to a full on break down.
Within that half hour window, a nurse arrived to take her vital signs and ask a few questions. This part was rushed and straight faced. Before the nurse exited, the woman asked to use the restroom.
Upon entry to the restroom, she was given a cup to deposit her specimen into. The toilet was metal and cold, like that which you would find in a prison. She finished as quickly as possible and returned to the bolted down bed in that vile room.
Two hours after entering the ER, that same nurse returned to the room. She was whispering and ducking under the window telling the woman she didn't think she belonged here either. She pulled some strings and within moments, a physician's assistant made her way into the rubber room and asked a series of questions.
"Are you suicidal? Are you homicidal? Do you want to harm your children or husband?"
"Of course not," she desperately responded, tears continuously running down her face.
"Get the release paperwork," the P.A. ordered the nurse.
The woman signed a release stating she wouldn't commit suicide after leaving the facility. It was overwhelming that this sheet of paper was now part of her permanent hospital record.
It was a long drive home that night.
She and her husband discussed the horrifying events and put together a plan to get in touch with the woman's general practitioner the following day. It was time for someone new to step in and confirm that yes, she was in fact being over medicated.
The night passed into a new day. Waiting, waiting, waiting for the G.P. to call back. The woman always plays the waiting game.
The woman, is me....
Wednesday 17 December 2014
Flipflop Chardonnay
About a month ago I was introduced to Flipflop Wines and wrote this review. I fell instantly in love with their Riesling and Pinot Grigio. & nbsp;
Then?
Then they sent me two bottles of Chardonnay for tasting. I thought I died and went to heaven with the Pinot Grigio (which has always been my favorite) but the Chardonnay knocked me sideways. The pineapple really shined right through, I just adore it.
I'm not really into pairing this wine with that food, etc. In fact, I prefer to wait until all is calm in the house (but really, how calm can it get with 3 kids running amok?). Then I sit in my living room, sip from my wine glass and let the crazies of the day escape me. Flipflop Chardonnay goes perfect for these occasions.
As I said in my first review, Flipflop wines sell for a mere $7 a bottle. So not only are they good quality, but the price is fitting for every budget.
Read more about Flipflop HERE. They know their wine!
Then?
I'm not really into pairing this wine with that food, etc. In fact, I prefer to wait until all is calm in the house (but really, how calm can it get with 3 kids running amok?). Then I sit in my living room, sip from my wine glass and let the crazies of the day escape me. Flipflop Chardonnay goes perfect for these occasions.
As I said in my first review, Flipflop wines sell for a mere $7 a bottle. So not only are they good quality, but the price is fitting for every budget.
Read more about Flipflop HERE. They know their wine!
Flipflop Wines generously shipped me two bottles of wine in exchange for this review. The opinions in this review are that of my own and nothing more. & nbsp;
Tuesday 16 December 2014
Adult Beverage of the Week
Jack O'Lantern
1 oz Cognac
1 oz Cognac
1 1/2 oz Orange Juice
1/2 oz Ginger Ale
1/2 oz Grand Marnier
Orange Wheel and Lime Twist for Garnish
1/2 oz Ginger Ale
1/2 oz Grand Marnier
Orange Wheel and Lime Twist for Garnish
Preparation:
- Combine all ingredients in a shaker.
- Strain into a low-ball glass over ice.
- Float an orange wheel with a lime twist poked into the top.
How cute is this drink? It tastes nothing like a pumpkin but it looks like a pumpkin. After all, you eat/drink with your eyes first, no?
Monday 15 December 2014
An Interior View
What does an anxiety attack look like? Can you feel it...taste it...reach out and touch it?Have you ever watched a tornado run its course? It's hit or miss. As it pummels through a neighborhood it can hit three houses in a row, skip the next, and hit another all on the same side of the street. The funnel is dark and mysterious. Sometimes it picks up speed and persists. Other times the sky above summons her home and she vanishes into thin air. Occasionally she returns but is silent. The next victim isn't quite aware of her presence until she's right on top of him and sucks the life right out from the bottom up.
That's anxiety. It arrives without notice and has no desire to share why it's there. Sometimes the feeling of excitement is in the air. Kind of like when you're waiting on the mailman because that package is expected only it doesn't come today. Fear is instilled because you're waiting for something to happen, maybe to you or a family member. You have no idea what is going to happen but something's coming. Any time now... Sometimes when anxiety checks in at the front desk it's a mixture of emotions that settles in. Excitement, fear, panic, impaired thinking, racing thoughts.
You're trapped.
It corners you.
It takes your breath away.
And there's not a whole lot you can do to stop it.
Because in that very moment, strategies are out of your reach even on tippy toes.
So you give in.
And anxiety is a taker.
Every time the anxiety returns a little piece of you leaves with it.
And you feel smaller and smaller with each visit.
That's what anxiety is like.
Sunday 14 December 2014
Panic Room
My head is spinning.
My heart is vibrating in my chest.
I think I can hear it.
I'm shaking but I'm not cold.
Every few moments it feels like I'm going to shiver but then I begin to sweat.
Thoughts race.
Invasive thoughts.
On the verge of tears.
Walking is difficult.
I thought it was hunger so I ate.
I fought the urge all morning to swallow you.
You make me feel better in a very short period of time.
But then my body feels like lead.
So heavy.
I just sit and stare.
Stare at nothing, yet taking it all in.
The thoughts continue but they move in slow motion.
Feels like I'm running in place.
Scared.
Nervous.
Paranoid.
They're reading my thoughts again.
Oh God, when they hear what I'm thinking they're going to take me away.
What was that?
Did you see that?
Did you hear that?
I'm angry.
I am so damn mad.
I want this fixed.
I want it to go away.
Tired of being tired.
Lonely but not alone.
Everything is just slightly out of reach.
Make it stop.
I think if I start crying today I won't be able to stop.
Twitching.
Sometimes twitching because I swallowed you and the lead makes me forget limbs are attached.
Sleep now.
Sleep.
Oh, I wish but there's still so much to do.
The day has only half begun....
My heart is vibrating in my chest.
I think I can hear it.
I'm shaking but I'm not cold.
Every few moments it feels like I'm going to shiver but then I begin to sweat.
Thoughts race.
Invasive thoughts.
On the verge of tears.
Walking is difficult.
I thought it was hunger so I ate.
I fought the urge all morning to swallow you.
You make me feel better in a very short period of time.
But then my body feels like lead.
So heavy.
I just sit and stare.
Stare at nothing, yet taking it all in.
The thoughts continue but they move in slow motion.
Feels like I'm running in place.
Scared.
Nervous.
Paranoid.
They're reading my thoughts again.
Oh God, when they hear what I'm thinking they're going to take me away.
What was that?
Did you see that?
Did you hear that?
I'm angry.
I am so damn mad.
I want this fixed.
I want it to go away.
Tired of being tired.
Lonely but not alone.
Everything is just slightly out of reach.
Make it stop.
I think if I start crying today I won't be able to stop.
Twitching.
Sometimes twitching because I swallowed you and the lead makes me forget limbs are attached.
Sleep now.
Sleep.
Oh, I wish but there's still so much to do.
The day has only half begun....
Saturday 13 December 2014
Fresh Air {Just What the Doctor Ordered}
I love it when I check my email and see that I've been contacted by CSN Stores again! Have you ever shopped with them? They have everything from stylish handbags, to bar furniture, to cookware and beyond. What am I checking out this time? A bike seat for my nineteen month old!
It's no big secret around here that my PPD has returned. I've found that getting out into the fresh air is a big help! So when I started searching around the CSN website and came across this seat:
I got really excited! Fresh air, exercise and quality time with my little man. I'm also grabbing up this cute helmet for him:
I'll be sure to post a review and photos after we test drive it together!
What helps you most when you're down and out?
It's no big secret around here that my PPD has returned. I've found that getting out into the fresh air is a big help! So when I started searching around the CSN website and came across this seat:
I got really excited! Fresh air, exercise and quality time with my little man. I'm also grabbing up this cute helmet for him:
I'll be sure to post a review and photos after we test drive it together!What helps you most when you're down and out?
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