Masquerade

I don't do anything anymore. I mean, I go through the daily motions of mundane living, shower, work, make dinner, do dishes, clean house, etc...but I only do those things because I have to. If I had it my way, I'd lie on my couch all day long and watch movie after movie or read my Kindle. Just like I have been every weekend for a few weeks in a row now.

I try to tell myself I'm not depressed anymore but find myself in tears every day.

I talk myself out of taking the antianxiety pill a second time each day even though I feel like I need it. & nbsp;

The thoughts haven't left. The intrusive ones. I buried them in the back of my mind, in that place only I know about. Sometimes I visit that place and play with my buried treasures because "What IF...." & nbsp;

I'm not happy. I'm good at disguising that, mostly.

I want so much for my family. My boys are growing up. I'm the mother of an almost 17-year old who stresses me out daily. I want him to have more than what I had. I want him to stop being lazy and get his ass in gear. It's time he really thinks about what he wants out of this thing called life. & nbsp;

I'm also the mother of an almost 7th grader. He starts middle school this month. He'll be 13 next year. He's passionate about so many things and I want him to hold on to that passion; to covet it, savor it.

I'm also the mother to a 2 year old. Almost 2 1/2 year old. He's the one who changed me for the long haul. I don't blame him, no, never. I couldn't imagine my life without him. & nbsp;

I'm a wife. Not a very good one lately. I know my issues are making it hard on my husband. I know he wants to fix me. Or rather, have the fixed me back. I'm unable to deliver, in more ways than one.

I can't imagine my life without this veil over my head anymore. This veil I want to shred to fucking pieces. It's become a part of me. It is me. I'm the veil.

Occasionally I get to peak out from beneath the veil and have a few days visitation without it lingering over me. It's a masquerade though. The costume is stripped and I am me again eventually. Only, I'm the new me. The one I hardly recognize. & nbsp;