On Saturday, my family went to my mother's for dinner, first time in almost a year. Shit happened, amends were made, yada... yada... yada... Our 20 month old saw a cat for the first time, ever. It was the funniest scene. He was so scared, then curious, then startled. At one point during the night, my son stood in a doorway with his back to the cat. The cat then decided to take her space back and walked by my son. My son jumped out of his diaper! It felt good to really laugh.
Prior to visiting with my mom, I took a very long nap in place of grocery shopping. It felt fantastic. I really remember feeling, I don't feel so bad today. In fact, I feel kind of good! Then I woke up and realized how much pressure I was putting on myself for Sunday. The anxiety was so heavy. Why can't I be a glass half full kind of girl?
Sunday arrived and I used every excuse in the book not to go grocery shopping. I did load after load of laundry and watched the freaking marathon of Teen Mom on MTV. Seriously, that show is addicting! By 3pm I caught a second wind and got the rest of my chores done.
Today, I'm back in the office. Miserable. Lonely. Sad. Anxious. Tense. So very, very tense. I figured a way to stretch my shoulders and back when it gets really bad but it doesn't seem to be doing the job today. I'd give anything to feel at ease.
There's only one person in my office who knows my situation and I only skimmed the surface when I told him. He has always been very open and honest with me. My other co-workers are very close-minded and negative individuals. I used to be so carefree and smiley here but now they just add to my sorrow. I guess I'm following their lead.
To top it all off, I spent the weekend on the phone with a girl who feels so helpless that she wants to take her own life. She feels like there's no end in sight. PPD is ruling her mind. My husband finally stepped in and said he needed to worry about me and my health so it was time to stop chatting with her. I reached out to a few others via Twitter who said the same thing. Take care of me.
Will someone take care of me?
Leave me a trail of breadcrumbs to the woman I once was and I'll gladly follow the path home...
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