My mind is racing faster then I can compute. I have to get some of it out of my head and project it elsewhere or I think my brain might actually burst.
At some point between yesterday afternoon and yesterday evening, things shifted within me. I posted a few days ago that I thought the emotional part of this relapse was behind me. The anxiety had kind of flat lined and I hadn't had a panic attack in a while.
Last night, I was making my son's birthday dinner. It's a recipe I have made on numerous occasions. I only refer to it now for the proper measurements. While making this meal, if you had been a fly on the wall, you would have thought I had never cooked a day in my life. Everything was running together. Following the recipe proved to be very difficult. Somehow, I pulled it off and we enjoyed a nice dinner together.
I brushed it off to being tired. A side-effect to starting the meds again. My dose goes up today. I'm scared how my body is going to react. I've been having hot flashes, sweating profusely, loss of appetite... You get the idea. As a human, I can't help but wonder how much worse these side-effects are going to get rather than thinking, hey, maybe the upped dose will level me off and things will start to get better. I'm trained to think negatively.
I cried this morning when I left the baby. I haven't cried in days. This back stepping shit isn't for me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to pull it off this time. Recovery is hard and it's uphill all the way. It's so much easier to roll down the hill.
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