Talking Elevators & Birds Who Walk?

Inside joke alert: At my house, when we love something so much we say, "Oh, I just want to lick all your hair off!" Like, if my 1 year old does something too freaking cute for words I'll go, "You're so cute I just want to lick all your hair off!"

The short version of the reasoning behind this phrase is this. Last year, my son Isaac (who is 10) was making fun of the things girls say. One time he described how all the girls in his class are always all "Awwwwwwww!" when they see a puppy. So he was making fun of them one day and said. "Awwwwww, that puppy is so cute I just want to lick all his hair off!" And so it was born!

There's a story here, there's always a story here!

Last weekend. I was out promoting Palm Coast Macaroni Kid. My oldest son Jerytt and I were at this shopping center handing out flyers and talking to business owners. It was a two-story building and the stairs weren't in sight most of the time, so we opted for the elevator. The. Elevator. Talked.

She was so pleasant. You get in and she's all, "Going up!" and I'm all, "Why yes, yes I am!". When we got to the next floor she's all, "Here you are!" and I'm all, "You're so awesome, I just want to lick all your hair off!" She was that sexy, let me tell you!

Okay, now I want to discuss birds. You know how you'll be driving along and a fucking squirrel will run in front of your car and you don't even hesitate to slam on your breaks because "Fucking squirrel!"? Well, birds can fly, right? Why the hell are they taking to walking across the street? Penguins are one thing, I totally realize it's like 1,000,000 to 1 that a penguin is going to dart in front of my moving vehicle, in Florida, but that would be understandable right? Because of the whole, they can't fly thing. But when a bird is crossing the street, via his feet, I only slow down. I don't halt like I would for the fuzzy squirrel trying to find his goodies he buried for later.

When I'm approaching a bird walking across the street, I slow down a bit and am all, "Why the hell aren't you flying? You have wings you asshole!" Then I get to thinking that perhaps he's mocking me! He's all, "You're human. I know that at least once a week you have that dream where you can fly. This is me telling you that I can do both, and you can't, you dumb bitch!"