Faith. Do you have it?

Faith is defined as having confidence or trust in a person, thing, or a system of religious belief.

I'm a Catholic by default but at present, I believe in nothing.

How can a person have faith when she doesn't have a higher power to look up to?

When I hear the word "faith" I instantly visualize a great God who created life and the people who walk upon our Earth.

I don't want this to be a religious debate. I'm simply stating that in my life experience there is no God. I see faith and God as one divine being. One that doesn't exist in my corner of the world.

And if there is a God? Fuck him.

Fuck him for allowing me to come into this world innocently and unknowingly. Fuck him for allowing my daily struggle with depression to persist. Fuck him for every time I thought about not wanting to live anymore because of the darkness I face each day. Fuck him for not guiding me properly along this dreary path. Fuck him for yanking away my innocence and unknowing so violently.

What the fuck God?

What makes you the boss of me?

Who are you to decide how I think, feel, love, hate...

Who the fuck are you to judge me?

- -

When I gave birth to my third son I also birthed an illness. One so cruel and intense. It detached itself from my placenta and crawled into my head. I pushed the placenta out and that one demon who was able to remove itself before it was too late, embedded in my crux.

It's chemical. I know it is, but I want it to know that it can no longer run my life. It's not allowed to control how I walk, talk, dress, eat, or adjust my emotions.

Every day I give advice or share a piece of my story with a fellow postpartum depression sufferer. Every day! I offer encouragement and won't allow defeat.

Why can't take my own advice?

One week ago today, I thought my life was over. A friend said to me, "What would you tell friend if she came to you and said you didn't want to live anymore because of this illness?" and I was dumbstruck. She was right. I wouldn't have allowed defeat.

I'm too tired to fight anymore, but I will. I'm too tired to care anymore, but I do.

Because I'm not going to let it defeat me.