Once a baby is produced, grows inside of you for what seems like forever, is born into the world... the "for me" moments are few and extremely far between. I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm simply looking for a little self healing...
I have three sons. Jerytt will be 15 come October. 15! Am I old enough to be the mother to a freshman in high school? Well yeah, I had him when I was 17. A mistake, no way! We have our challenges but I wouldn't trade him.
Isaac just turned 10. He's my little hard headed prince. Isaac can be raging mad (probably something Jerytt did) but then his sweetness overpowers the situation and all is well in the world once again. Jerytt and Isaac - - best friends for life! Sometimes they act like mortal enemies but cross one of them, and the other will have you begging for mercy!
Xavier is about to turn 4 months old. He's supposed to have crossed that threshold of being out of this so-called 4th trimester and into the livelihood of infant status. We're on the cusp of that right now. My husband refers to him as the King. Whatever the King wants, the King shall get.
Is it awful of me to enjoy having a baby at this stage in my life more now than when I was only 17 years old with Jerytt... or when I was 21 with Isaac? Is that selfish to say outloud (or to type)? Well I do enjoy it more now. I enjoy the 4am feedings (which usually also include a ritualistic diaper exlosion), I let him nurse until his heart is content. I love rolling over in the morning to the sun sized smile on his face, chubby cheeks spread wide. I'm a more patient person with this one.
I used to be so scheduled. Laundry on Sunday, deep clean the house every other weekend (now I'm lucky to run the vacuum), no going out after work... a total home body. Just me and my boys, husband too of course (our 3rd wedding anniversary is on the rise, this marks 12 years together total). This small King is taking over our existence and I'm completely and totally fascinated by it. By him. So what's a few months lost of the usual day to day occurrences? Things will get finished (or started) in due time. I have to constantly remind myself of this.
I'm back at work now, going on about a month give or take. Eric (my husband) is home with all the boys for the Summer. He's a student. I'm the bread winner. Once he's finished and we pay off some debt, the roles will reverse. I'm sincerely jealous that he is home and I am not. It's putting me into a state of depression, I've never felt like this before. I didn't even know it was possible to develop postpartum depression for up to a year after giving birth! It used to only hit me during the week while I was at work. Now it's creeping in on Saturday night and Sunday morning over coffee, it's invading my sacred space. I thought the writing would assist with keeping it at bay. I'll soon find out.
I hope to mark the page with more positives than negatives. Soon. Right now I have to deal with the matter at hand. I love my kids. I love my husband. I love our new (rental) home. It's time to be happy and wash away these thoughts in my head.
***
I've come a long way since this post. I no longer have PPD and am no longer on medication for it. I continue to help women who reach out to me who have either been diagnosed with PPD or believe they may have it. I'm far from a trained medical professional but women feel better when they can talk to someone who is in similar shoes. For whatever reason, we compare ourselves to others and sometimes feel like less of a person (woman, mother, etc.) for it. I'm here to remind other PPD survivors that this simply isn't so!
No comments:
Post a Comment