And it was one of the hardest effing things we'd ever done.
Because we had a physical relationship. Oh, boy did we have a physical relationship. And I regularly...um...well...let's just say I was very satisfied with our physical relationship.
What can I say? We were creative while staying true to our lines.
We got married and finally, finally could have sex. We had been putting so much energy into avoiding it for so long, and now we could finally let the barriers fall and just enjoy each other!
We undressed each other for the first time on our honeymoon.
We fell into bed together. Kissing. Touching. Exploring.
Trying to have sex.
Yes, you read that right. Trying.
It wasn't until our third day that we achieved penetration. And it was not from lack of trying.
Nor from lack of communication. We were, and are, very open about sex. Talking before, during, and after about what we need when it's needed.
Finally we achieved it and went on to enjoy our honeymoon.
After it wasn't as fun for me as making out had been. No....satisfaction. That was part of it.
But it was also physically uncomfortable. Painful. I felt like I was tearing..and then my hoo-hah would sting for a day or two after. And the actual experience was overwhelmingly uncomfortable. But I figured it was just part of figuring things out. After all, we were new to this, surely we just needed lots of practice!
I mentioned it to my GYN at my next checkup almost a year later when she asked how sex was going. She agreed we probably just needed practice. I was shocked that my pap smear, which I remembered from my virgin days as being almost unbearably uncomfortable, was nothing, easy, relative to sex.
We kept trying. But it got harder. When something is physically painful your brain starts to try to protect you from it. I would passively avoid sex. Often by avoiding my husband. It was very hard to get me turned on in any way. We would get close and the fear would kick in, because even though the pain wasn't major, it was always there. And it was overwhelming enough that I simply could not get pleasure from sex. The pain and discomfort took up all of my mind and sensation.
Well-meaning friends who knew we had waited until marriage would tease us all the time about our sex life (good-naturedly). Single friends would say seriously they were jealous they couldn't have sex regularly like we could. I enjoy books with some type of romantic subplot in there, and of course no romance is complete without some mind-blowing sex and the main character discovering how great it is. Every time something like this would come up, it would slam me in the gut. I wanted to enjoy sex. We were doing everything right. Talking, trying, using lube, etc. So why was it so consistently bad? It wasn't fair! I spent evenings crying about wanting to enjoy a physical relationship with my hubby, but being too scared of the discomfort of sex to want to initiate anything for fear it might lead there (he was fine with it not, I felt guilty).
The next year I went back to the same GYN, and she asked if things had gotten better. I said no. Thank goodness I had a GYN who would ask and discuss these things.
She sent me to a physical therapist.
Not just any physical therapist.
A physical therapist who specialized in pelvic floor work.
I had no idea such a person existed. It had never occurred to me to seek that out. I thought there was nothing to be done. I hadn't even really realized there was something actually wrong. After all, you always hear about women who are or end up "too loose" to enjoy sex, or guys who are too small to pleasure them as a problem. You never really hear about women who are too tight.
I went to physical therapy for almost six months.
About halfway through, I had sex without discomfort for the first time. More than 2 years into my marriage.
Afterwards, I wanted to cry. Tears of relief. Tears of joy.
Now I could give this to my husband, this important physical connection that women are constantly told they must give to their husband regularly to be good wives (I'm assuming the once or twice a month we were down to wouldn't have counted as "regularly." Especially given how (not) into it I was). Now, maybe eventually I could even get something positive from it myself.
It took more work. It will continue to. But a few weeks ago, I graduated from physical therapy.
Sex is still not easy. We both have to be very careful, especially at certain times. But if we are, then sex is usually neutral for me at worst.
Neutral I can handle. Especially since my magic wand helps take me to fantabulous after ;-)
Things continue to improve. My relationship with my husband is improving again. I'm not avoiding him out of a subconscious fear anymore. I am even starting to look forward to and initiate sex for myself.
Every woman deserves a sexual relationship free from pain and discomfort. I didn't think I had a problem, because I could handle it. I wasn't crying out in pain (usually). It just was bad enough to make the whole experience bad.
I hate to think where we'd be now if my GYN hadn't sent me to that physical therapist.
I don't think this is that common a problem. But I also think it's often just not talked about.
If you have pain or discomfort with intercourse, if you feel like you are tearing, if you can't relax because the negative sensations are too strong, talk to your doctor. Ask for a referral to a PT who specializes in pelvic floor.
It changed my life.
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