Too Many Hormones?

I'm in a dark place again. My head pounds and I just don't want to exist. I'm lacking sleep. Nothing seems to be enough.

I spoke with a new friend yesterday, Elizabeth. She's a nurse. I "met" her through the local hospital who I called to find out about PPD support groups. None, what a shocker. Anyhow, Elizabeth had experienced Postpartum Psychosis (PPP) seven years ago. We had been trying to connect since Thanksgiving to no avail. Yesterday, contact was made and today I'm upset.

Upset why? Because it seems my husband was correct in his thinking. No, I'm not mad that he was right (hear that, honey?), I'm mad that my plethora of doctors didn't put two and two together.

Elizabeth and my husband both think my birth control pill may have caused my PPD relapse. I didn't want to believe it when my husband first brought it up. For selfish reasons. You see, I take the pill to curb endometrial pain, and it has made my cycle cease to exist. No periods equal no endo pain. However, I do have some pain and cramping and have for several days now. So the pill may have stopped working anyhow. I take it continuously, not like a person who takes a week off.

I started this specific pill back around July. My relapse hit in September. My last period was August. Why does any of this matter? I'm not sure, but it does. I think it matters because all the medications I am or have taken, are in this computer system, which my HMO shares. All the doctors can plug in my name and I pop up. Yet, every conversation I have with any of my doctors seems to be like my first. I don't matter to them.

Every doctor is quick to medicate. Not so quick with calling back when side effects are present. Not so quick and/or open to discussion of other treatment options. Their way. The only way.

As of today, I decided to stop swallowing the birth control pill every afternoon at 2pm. I'm going to detox my body from the added hormones. I am going to continue taking the antidepressant (for anxiety/depression), Abilify (works with AD to stabilize (my moods), Levoxyl (thyroid), Xanax (panic/anxiety) and Restoril (sleep) as prescribed.

As of yesterday, Dr. Psych upped my Abilify back to 2.5 from 2 mg. I may never have mentioned it was decreased in the first place in another post. It was decreased because I was experiencing mania. A side effect from Abilify. As soon as the decrease took effect, my mania was wiped clean and now I just sit with darkness hovering. It mocks me. It's laughing that it has more control over me then even the medication that is designed to destroy it. I like mania better.

So back to the mania induced dose but Dr. Psych also called in a stronger sleeping medication I am set to start on Friday night. I don't know what it is. He doesn't want me to start it when I have to get up at a specified time. The mania was keeping me awake. Part of mania is feeling like you can do a lot on very little sleep. I'm averaging 3-4 hours of sleep per night right now. I used to not be able to function without a minimum of 8-10 hours.

Mania, manic, bipolar, PPD, PPA.... What the fuck do I have and can I be properly treated?

Elizabeth is forwarding me a list of things to look over and take in. I have an open mind. I just want to clarify that stopping the birth control pill is my decision and nobody has enticed me in any way. It just makes sense. I can start it back up if the pain return is too horrible. I also have a painkiller prescription I can fill if it gets too intense. More meds....

In place of the pill, I plan to do daily yoga and get some form of other exercise. I will watch my caffeine intake and keep my diet as healthy as possible. I don't have an appetite really but when I do eat, I'll try to make it good for me food. Not like the apple pie I ate for dinner last night at 8pm.

I'm tired of my mood being the topic of every conversation. The ups and downs are vicious and I just want curl up into the fetal position and sleep for days on end. I have too many people counting on me to pull through and do so on top. I have this illness for a reason. What is the reason?