Too Many Hormones?

I'm in a dark place again. My head pounds and I just don't want to exist. I'm lacking sleep. Nothing seems to be enough.

I spoke with a new friend yesterday, Elizabeth. She's a nurse. I "met" her through the local hospital who I called to find out about PPD support groups. None, what a shocker. Anyhow, Elizabeth had experienced Postpartum Psychosis (PPP) seven years ago. We had been trying to connect since Thanksgiving to no avail. Yesterday, contact was made and today I'm upset.

Upset why? Because it seems my husband was correct in his thinking. No, I'm not mad that he was right (hear that, honey?), I'm mad that my plethora of doctors didn't put two and two together.

Elizabeth and my husband both think my birth control pill may have caused my PPD relapse. I didn't want to believe it when my husband first brought it up. For selfish reasons. You see, I take the pill to curb endometrial pain, and it has made my cycle cease to exist. No periods equal no endo pain. However, I do have some pain and cramping and have for several days now. So the pill may have stopped working anyhow. I take it continuously, not like a person who takes a week off.

I started this specific pill back around July. My relapse hit in September. My last period was August. Why does any of this matter? I'm not sure, but it does. I think it matters because all the medications I am or have taken, are in this computer system, which my HMO shares. All the doctors can plug in my name and I pop up. Yet, every conversation I have with any of my doctors seems to be like my first. I don't matter to them.

Every doctor is quick to medicate. Not so quick with calling back when side effects are present. Not so quick and/or open to discussion of other treatment options. Their way. The only way.

As of today, I decided to stop swallowing the birth control pill every afternoon at 2pm. I'm going to detox my body from the added hormones. I am going to continue taking the antidepressant (for anxiety/depression), Abilify (works with AD to stabilize (my moods), Levoxyl (thyroid), Xanax (panic/anxiety) and Restoril (sleep) as prescribed.

As of yesterday, Dr. Psych upped my Abilify back to 2.5 from 2 mg. I may never have mentioned it was decreased in the first place in another post. It was decreased because I was experiencing mania. A side effect from Abilify. As soon as the decrease took effect, my mania was wiped clean and now I just sit with darkness hovering. It mocks me. It's laughing that it has more control over me then even the medication that is designed to destroy it. I like mania better.

So back to the mania induced dose but Dr. Psych also called in a stronger sleeping medication I am set to start on Friday night. I don't know what it is. He doesn't want me to start it when I have to get up at a specified time. The mania was keeping me awake. Part of mania is feeling like you can do a lot on very little sleep. I'm averaging 3-4 hours of sleep per night right now. I used to not be able to function without a minimum of 8-10 hours.

Mania, manic, bipolar, PPD, PPA.... What the fuck do I have and can I be properly treated?

Elizabeth is forwarding me a list of things to look over and take in. I have an open mind. I just want to clarify that stopping the birth control pill is my decision and nobody has enticed me in any way. It just makes sense. I can start it back up if the pain return is too horrible. I also have a painkiller prescription I can fill if it gets too intense. More meds....

In place of the pill, I plan to do daily yoga and get some form of other exercise. I will watch my caffeine intake and keep my diet as healthy as possible. I don't have an appetite really but when I do eat, I'll try to make it good for me food. Not like the apple pie I ate for dinner last night at 8pm.

I'm tired of my mood being the topic of every conversation. The ups and downs are vicious and I just want curl up into the fetal position and sleep for days on end. I have too many people counting on me to pull through and do so on top. I have this illness for a reason. What is the reason?

Catatonia

Gaunt. Eyes sunken in. Cheekbones protruded beneath taut skin. The man twisted around taking note of the rising sun. Colors intertwined above creating hints of deep red submerged by the usual oranges and pinks. The lake was still, fully hushed. The water engulfed the scene like that of paint upon canvas. He took a knee, carefully listening, as if the waking sun were whispering his next move. As the sun rose into place for its day ahead, the man's eyes wandered to the ground. His once clear mind was now in a haze. Could this be a dream? The trance had been broken as he stepped over the body and grasped the shovel…

Photo Credit: Jane Yolen's, The Sea Man

Condiment Chaos

You know when you get ready to cook something and you thought you had everything you needed and you already were at the grocery store today and now you have to go back?

Or in my case, you burn the hell out of the hot dogs you left on the grill with the burner on a whee bit too high and then totally forgot you put them on there in the first place and now you need to run to the store for new hot dogs but then they don't have the brand you want and so you settle for the next best thing in hopes to trick your husband, but then while you're turning the new hot dogs over on the grill he's banging on the door from behind you shouting, "Are those Nathan's?" and your mind is all, "How the fuck did he know I got Sabrett's. Fucker has hot dog x-ray vision!" while you're all giving him the "what??" look like you can't hear him through the glass door?

You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?

Okay, so I may have had the detailed instance above happen to me this week so I hit the grocery store at super sonic speed..... While I was running down the aisle with all the condiments, you know, the dressing, ketchup, mustard, barbecue sauces.... I stopped mid-stride to observe the beauty of the aisle.

For whatever reason, I was the only one in this aisle at the time. When I said I stopped mid-stride, I mean my feet stopped way before the upper half of my body and I nearly took a nose dive!

Why you ask?

The shelves were so orderly. All the labels were facing forward and there were no gaps. These shelves were stocked to their fullest capacity!

Get on with it? Fine...

I wanted so badly to stick my arm in between the dressing bottles and run. I wanted to take out all those condiments and watch them fall to the floor. I wanted to create complete chaos among the ketchup and mustard bottles. Anarchy in the condiment aisle!!!

I may need to get a life. Or stop burning hot dogs to avoid trips such as this. Either one.

Five-Four-Three-Ugh!

My eyes fluttered open at 10am. They began to close again, but I forced them to remain open and I leaped from my bed.

Ever so carefully I opened my bedroom door and slipped out. I swallowed my morning medication and turned on the coffee pot. I hushed it to be quiet as it rumbled to life.

Just five minutes, that's all I wanted.

I carefully opened the kitchen blinds and eased the windows open. The cool Florida air was instantly sucked into my lungs and a huge smile crept upon my face.

I tricked the microwave door open with as little sound as possible. Cookies. I placed two cookies, which were freshly baked yesterday, on a napkin and poured my first cup of coffee.

I snuck into the living room and again, opened the blinds with quiet precision and coaxed the sliding glass door open. The cool air unfolded like a blanket over my bare toes.

Five minutes, it was all I needed.

I sat in the recliner and took a bite from a cookie and sipped the coffee, marrying the two with perfection.

Five minutes. It was on like Donkey Kong.

I turned on my phone in preparation to read my email when I heard the click and creak of the door to one of the other bedrooms. I peered at the clock. Three minutes passed. Damn.

My oldest bid me good morning in his loud voice, and I returned it through gritted teeth.

Five minutes my ass.

I grumbled enough to make him go away as I heard the baby from behind me. He was mumbling something about a duck and a tiger. It didn't matter at this point.

Five minutes. I can never get just five minutes. An impossible feat.

I need some time...

Just a quick note to say that I need to take a blogging leave of absence. Is that even allowed?

Everything is okay!

I just need to point my attention to some much needed mental healing. Apparently, postpartum depression can come back, even after you think you've been healed. Fucker!

I have an appointment to go to today but I will update everyone soon. I'm not going to let this drown me. I know how to swim, I just need a life preserver at the moment to help.

I'll be thinking about you all and will continue to read your entries and comment when I can!

Fitted Sheets - - People FOLD Those?

Last night, I closed the cover on Lisa Quinn's book "Life's Too Short To Fold Fitted Sheets: Your Ultimate Guide to Domestic Liberation" and I was glowing as a result. Why? Because it is over flowing with advice, humor and relevant information for any mother who isn't too stuck up to use it.

Synopsis:

In the tradition of Erma Bombeck and Peg Bracken, author Lisa Quinn Emmy Award-winning television host and recovering Marthaholic gets real on the follies of housekeeping. Life's Too Short to Fold Fitted Sheets is a crash course in Slacker Chic 101 that will have over-extended women everywhere laughing out loud and throwing in the towel the dishtowel, that is. Full of shortcuts and tricks for cleaning, decor, and entertaining, such as: the top 10 things you have to clean if you have company coming in 30 minutes; interior finishes that hide the most dirt; 17 meals made from a deli chicken; and much more, this wickedly funny guide helps women create the life they want without all the hard labor and without compromising style.

When I was approached to host a review of this book {which I received free of charge in exchange} my first thought was "People FOLD fitted sheets?" You don't even want to know what I do with mine...

Fitted Sheets is a quick read. In fact, at the end of the introduction Lisa writes, "I kept it short, because I know you're busy. Perfection is overrated. Live a little." I'll admit, I only skimmed the surface of certain sections {ala entertaining} because I want to be entertained not the entertainer herself. I have a list of amazing tidbits from this book. Here are just a few:

• Rub white candles on your bathroom grout to prevent mold and mildew.
• Pour salt over a spill in your oven. The salt will halt the burning smell and form an easily removable crust over the top of the spill.
• Grab scraps of foil, and cut through six to eight layers with scissors; they will be like new.
• Didn't use a coaster and now you've got an ugly white ring on your table? Rub a little Worcestershire sauce into the ring, and let it sit for a couple of hours. Wipe it off with a rag.
  
• Citrus peels help maintain the integrity of your garbage disposal blades.

The modern woman's life is over flowing with to-do lists. This book gives you permission to relax a little and enjoy the life you've built.

Fitted Sheets is for you if you want to learn more about decorating short cuts and cheats, interior finishes that hide the most dirt and half-assed hospitality!

Don't even bother with this book if you think Martha Stewart's way of life is the only way!

Who is Lisa Quinn, anyway?


She is a recovering Martha-holic, Emmy Award winning TV host, and mother of two. Lisa is a contributor to Better Homes and Gardens, Redbook, Life, and PARADE magazines; has appeared on Good Morning America, the CBS Early Show, HGTV, and Oprah; designed sets for the National Geographic Society and the Discovery Channel; and starred in her own one-hour special for the Fine Living Network. Lisa currently serves as spokesperson for IKEA and DuPont. Home With Lisa Quinn is syndicated nationally on the Live Well HD Network.

Next time you visit your neighbor's house and you notice one of Lisa's short-cuts, you can glance in her direction while holding your glass of wine, smile and give the nod of approval.

Anonymous Submissions - - One Final Release